someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
