I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
