thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
