Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
