im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
