everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
