I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
