the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
