I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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