i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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