on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So apparently I’m into choking now
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