You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
