I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
