two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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