The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
