I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
