Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
