Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
