I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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