What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
