Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
