Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
