I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
