and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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