Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
