I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
