they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
