I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
