theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
