It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
