The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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