I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
