I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
