How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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