I have demons in me.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
