just tell him i said nine months
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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