The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
