The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
