Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Houston, we have a blender
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
