I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
