Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
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Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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