If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
