Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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