Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
