he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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