I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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