Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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