he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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