Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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