Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
