Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
