Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
