why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
