I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
