Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
