i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
