I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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