Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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