Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
