TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
