My friends, they love my intelligence
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
